Things To Do Before You Die: The Proper Care And Feeding of a Gary

Friday, October 5, 2007

The Proper Care And Feeding of a Gary

Apparently my last post ignited a firestorm of debate amongst my native Louisville contingent of regular blog readers (yes, all 4 of them). Many hours were wasted asking the fundamental questions: "Who is this hairy-armed enigma called Gary?", "Does Gary mean us harm?", and "Should we start a preemptive war with Gary, if it means we'll get cheaper prices at the pumps?".

I intend to answer this question.

Louisville, brace yourself:

I'm like the Dian Fossey of Gary's. I have a dad Gary, a father-in-law Gary, a best friend with a dad named Gary, a former roommate with a dad Gary, a co-worker named Gary, AND I have driven through Gary, Indiana. From my studies, all I can tell you is the following: Gary's are gentle by nature, but they can become agitated and aggressive when startled (for further evidence, see Gary Busey). If a Gary begins to charge at you, grab some large branches and begin waving them and making loud noises. This will make you look larger, and Gary's are not inclined to attack animals that they perceive to be larger than themselves.

1 comment:

Clueless Lu said...: So many suspects, I fear this may become a cold case. Even though two of the Gary's have priors of ruining pictures on their records, I'm not sure this was pre-meditated. Knowing several of the suspects, I'm inclined to point the lens of guilt at Gary of Up North. I think I detect a wisp of cigarette smoke in the right middle border. Ah, if only the Boston's would roll over.
Oh, and don't forget an old neighbor named Gary (Z).; October 6, 2007 at 10:19 AM

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The Life List

* Items have been completed.
1) Create a web page *
2) Surf Waikiki Beach, Hawaii
3) Bet $50 on black at the roulette table in Vegas *
4) Find my soul mate *
5) Climb Kilimanjaro
6) Go on an African safari
7) Shuck oysters *
8) Visit London
9) Live in the Caribbean or the Mediterranean
10) Scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef and Coral Sea
11) Visit Machu Picchu
12) Try caviar *
13) Try fried grasshoppers
14) Visit San Francisco *
15) Drive down the Pacific highway *
16) Surf in the Pacific Ocean *
17) Drink less Diet Coke!!! *
18) Visit New Orleans, LA*
19) Learn to sail a boat
20) Pay off the mortgage
21) Visit Sedlec Ossuary (Church of All Saints) in the Czech Republic
22) Bungee jump *
23) Visit Rome
24) Ride in a hot air balloon (thanks Dad!) *
25) Eat less salt
26) Practice a religion
27) Attend Edinburgh Festival
28) Dance on top of the bar (Chicago, circa my Michigan State days) *
29) Attend St. Patrick’s Day in Dublin Ireland
30) Try truffles *
31) Visit Aquitaine, France
32) Visit Berlin, Germany
33) Tour historic Greece
34) Visit Budapest, Hungary
35) Run a marathon *
36) Ride the Trans-Siberian Express across Asia
37) See the pyramids in Egypt
38) Dive in the Red Sea, Sinai, Egypt
39) Eat ostrich (it tastes like steak) *
40) See the Forbidden City and the Great Wall in Beijing, China
41) Climb Mt. Fuji, then sit in a Japanese thermal spring
42) Visit Istanbul Turkey and the Roman ruins of Ephesus
43) Try foie gras *
44) Lay on the beach with a tropical drink in Fiji
45) Visit Bora Bora and French Polynesia
46) Take an Alaskan cruise
47) Go para-sailing *
48) Eat at Chez Panisse in Berkeley, California *
49) Drink wine in Napa *
50) Attend a live taping of the Jerry Springer Show *
51) Go to the top of the Sears Tower in Chicago, IL *
52) Eat at Charlie Trotter’s in Chicago, IL *
53) AND at the Superdawg in Chicago, IL *
54) Go to Shedd’s Aquarium and the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago, IL *
55) Visit NYC *
56) Visit the Anasazi ruins at Mesa Verde
57) Visit all the tourist traps on the Canadian side of Niagra Falls
58) See the Mayan ruins in Yucatan, Mexico
59) Go to a rave *
60) Attend Carnaval in Rio De Janerio
61) Visit Torres Del Paine National Park in Patagonia, Chile
62) Get my PE license *
63) Dive with dolphins and see the shark rodeo in the Bahamas
64) Eat real jerk in Jamaica
65) Visit all the alien oriented tourist traps in Roswell, NM
66) Attend Sundance film festival
67) Attend one major sporting event (Detroit Tigers - World Series - 1984 - already working on completing the life list at 6 years old) *
68) Send a message in a bottle *
69) Write a book, even if it isn’t the Great American Novel
70) Have a personal mission statement, and revise it occasionally
71) See an eclipse *
72) Spend New Year’s Eve in some place exotic
73) Do something for a cause *
74) Learn to scuba dive *
75) Find a job you love
76) Donate money and put your name on something, i.e. a scholarship, a bench in the park
77) Learn how to change a tire
78) Kiss the Blarney stone
79) Learn how to work the grill *
80) Be able to handle: tax forms, Jehovah’s Witnesses, criticism
81) Keep regular medical appointments *
82) Restore a classic car OR build a boat
83) Own an autograph of a certified celebrity (Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, on the same page) *
84) Learn to ride a motorcycle, or hell, even a moped
85) Go to bartender’s school
86) Learn 3 great card tricks *
87) Learn 3 great jokes
88) Learn how to hand toss pizza dough *
89) Have enough money to do everything on the list
90) Drink more water *
91) Expand my social circle
92) Have a Plan B *
93) Establish a daily creative ritual
94) Have a paranormal experience *
95) Have a conspiracy theory *
96) By a round for everyone in the bar
97) Bet on a winning horse
98) Eat fried green tomatos *
99) Own something by Coach *
100) Own something from Tiffany’s
101) Learn Spanish
102) Own a pug or a bull dog
103) Own a boston terrier (the two terrible terriers!!!) *
104) Learn how to apply makeup *
105) Do something with my hair *
106) Pray *
107) Know how to make (at least) a three-tiered wedding cake *
108) Learn a martial art
109) Learn a dance
110) Wear sunscreen *
111) Visit Barcelona and Mallorca, Spain
112) Go to a lobster bake in Maine
113) Go to a drive-in *
114) Attend one really huge rock festival
115) Attend 5 big concerts in one week (it was U2, Oasis, Dave Matthews Band, the Black Crowes, and Wilco and yes, it was a hell of a week)!!! *
116) Learn to play a musical instrument *
117) Get my fortune told *
118) Learn to fire a gun
119) Make my own bread (without using a bread machine) *
120) Go lobster hunting (it’s a scuba diving thing for those who are wondering)
121) Experience weightlessness (technically you experience moments of weightlessness on the Magnum XL at Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio – It counts!!!) *
122) Give up television and the internet for one week *
123) Yell “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!” in a crowd
124) Get my doctorate (in progress)
125) Eat alligator (it tastes like chicken) *
126) Try authentic Thai cuisine *
127) Read all the books from “Time Magazine's Top 100 Books” (in progress)
128) See all the movies from “AFI's Top 100 Movies” (in progress)
129) Visit Venice, Italy *
130) Go white-water rafting (did it in the Austrian portion of the Alps and yes it was amazing) *
131) Live to be 100 years old. So far, so good.